Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
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No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”