it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
i spent way too long on this
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)