So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
You Might Also Like
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
This guy gets it.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
me and my fake scenarios
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*