dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
huge if true: the moon
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do