Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up