On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
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If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
#math
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Baking is just science you can eat.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Cndnsd Mlk
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry