Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way