Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Inside you there are two wolves
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”