Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.