*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Well, that should do it
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk