[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My nickname in high school was “who?”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.