Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.