Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
for all #parents out there
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
For anyone who needs this today
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.