As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Sing it!
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)