Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I’ve been drinking.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
eggs benadryl