My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
mechanics be like