Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
According to math, I’m broke
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!