Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Thrilling chase underway
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
socratic questions
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder