THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
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Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os