Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
🤭😂
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.