I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.