When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Who wants to be my Valentine?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?