[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.