someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.