[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
🖤✌🏽
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you