The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]