Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
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When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
i guess his teacher was really pissed