“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
LA today:
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: