When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Most fashion shows these days…
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.