I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.