HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
For anyone who needs this today
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.