ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.