My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no