why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
i love modern commerce
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.