DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Anyone really
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear