Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup