The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Is your wife single?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before