On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.