Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
You Might Also Like
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once