Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The Backseat Boys
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything