Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
jesus, what did this guy do
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
#parenting
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
crazy
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.