Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
You Might Also Like
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
gentlemen, hear me out
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
men are simple creatures
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
stand with me against insufficient seating
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol