A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
…żyje?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better