Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
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My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside