They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
my retirement plan is braless
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.