“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?