If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
me refusing to leave twitter
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The news in a nutshell.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*