sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
584.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.