I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.