Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going